2020 Part 1 – Jan-June

I think it’s safe to say that 2020 isn’t quite how anyone would have envisioned at 23:59 on New Year’s Eve 2019. It’s probably about as far away as you could get from the reality we’re all living now. Covid-19 has brought terror and anxiety to all global citizens and the Globe’s economies and health care systems to their knees.

I’ve cried for the thousands who have passed away here in the U.K and their families and friends. I’ve also been majorly saddened to watch as country after country has struggled to cope with this fast moving, devastating disease.

I’d liken it to a toppling domino trail, ‘click-click-click’ as each country succumbed to Covid-19 one-by-one and the governments struggled to battle their way through the intricacies of supporting individuals, families, the NHS, while trying to protect businesses, employers and employees, and the self- employed.

I wondered, we all wondered how our lives would change, but it all sounded, despite the death rates, as though this would build to a rippling wave and we would all get back to normal (if we just #stayed home, #washed our hands, #protected the NHS). I doubt anyone saw the tsunami building, our governments, our leaders, certainly didn’t.  Our chief medical and scientific officers said if we all followed the advice on hand hygiene and social isolation we’d be looking at a good outcome.

I’m not hugely into politics, although like anyone else I have an opinion on whether they’re doing a good job or not. I think the Conservatives were beginning to lose touch with the promises they’d made in the run up to the general election. Then Covid-19 came along and propelled all ministers into the bright lights of the ever-hungry media. They’ve continued to struggle their way through what is an unprecedented time, one which anyone would struggle through. They’ve been through the proverbial sh*t storm but have only reached the eye; there is more yet to come.

There’s no practice run for something like this. I’ve been as frustrated as the next guy at the stumbling of government ministers to cope with questions from news agencies and the general public, however, these are just human beings who would never have imagined such an occurrence when running for office. They’ve made mistakes. They’re not infallible. Human beings never are.

Where are the 20,000 people who should have been the maximum number of fatalities we were told would be “a good outcome”? They’re buried under the extra 22,153 (as of 00:39 18th June 2020) people who have died, which is not a good outcome. And the numbers, we’re told, are reducing and lockdown is gradually being lifted.

For me the lockdown lift is too much, too soon. We only have to look at numbers coming out of Bejing yesterday – there were 79 new positive cases. We are in the position now of being able to look back. “Hindsight is a wonderful thing”. I am praying we all look back and make our current decisions based on what we’ve seen and experienced. We have to use our common sense. A second wave is coming.

This is a self indulgent post really. It’s a way of thinking through the past few months of my life and how all the above has affected me. I mean there hasn’t really been much happening for me to discuss out loud here, other than Coronavirus.

Rewinding a little…

My depression had already hit again in late 2019 (that was the part where I disappeared again so soon after announcing I was back).

From February I’d begun to slowly feel stronger and I was at the stage where I’d considered starting to blog and write again. That was very quickly impossible as fear began to take hold with each passing news programme.

I’m scared of dying. I’ve struggled with it since I was 25. I was a wife and mother and all of a sudden, when my son was a few months old I had this irrational fear I’d die and leave my husband and son alone.

It (death) is one of the things within the global pandemic I’ve found hardest to cope with. The hardest thing to cope with is not seeing loved ones. For me that’s primarily my son.

My son is now a fully grown man . He lives down near the South coast with his fiancee. We’ve (hubby and I) not seen him since November when he and his (then) girlfriend came home for his Dad’s birthday because he wouldn’t be home for Christmas. We were due to see him (and by now his fiancee) in London in February for his 25th birthday but we didn’t as the weekend we’d pencilled in clashed with his friend’s 25th birthday. His friend lives in London. We were then due to see him in April – the week after lockdown happened.

And now my 50th birthday is approaching at speed! He and his fiancee were coming home to help me celebrate. It’s the thing which would make me happiest (other than Covid-19 being obliterated forever!) But it’s not happening as it’s a long train journey, long London underground trip then another long train journey. I don’t want them to risk their health and they don’t want to either. Besides that it would be breaking the idea of continuation of shielding everyone in as best a way as possible.

We’re extremely lucky in 2020 that we have technology which allows us to stay in touch so easily. VoIP, video calls and email, text messaging, Facebook and other social networking platforms allow us to see our loved ones and hear them. This would be so much harder if we had to rely on snail mail, especially given that with an increase in internet shopping Royal Mail deliveries are a few days behind.

But I still miss my boy.

I’m grateful that I’ve not lost anyone to Covid-19. I’m grateful the government is trying to help us through this. I’m grateful for technology.

So, I’m looking forward to a Coronavirus-free future. When exactly that’ll be who knows? I’ll be joining every party celebrating that it’s gone (or that we’re all able to be vaccinated).

But most of all I’m going to have my arms ready to hug my son, his fiancee and my hubby as tight as is humanly possible and for as long as I can.